Gruntipedia fun: Prophet of Haters
The Prophet of Haters is well known amongst the Covenant, but not so much Humans or Flood(they can't really think anyway). His true label is The Prophet of Hate, but most call him the Prophet of Haters because he hates just about everything from Macy's, to McDonald's, to Pencils, to Books, to Recycling, to Skiing, to socks, to Snowboarding, to Molotov Cocktails, to Vests, and so on. He was most famous though for his battle with the Master Chief himself; but that's later on. This...is his story. Early Life The Prophet of Haters' true name is actually Bill Guy. He was raised on the lonely planet: Herpes. There he had a multitude of dreams, such as: becoming a surgeon, a model, a rapper, and ruler of the universe. Haters attended the university of Coca Cola. There he learned many things of world-destroying technology, such as how to torture people with Pepsi, and how to remotely install OS X into people's computers. At college, Haters was never picked on because the other kids knew that their SWAG level was inferior to his. Haters beat up nerds, killed them, and then he would crap all over their faces when they were dead as a sign of his swag/superiority. One day Haters was caught deficating all over some dead nerd's face by a student. He was told on and kicked out of the university. He graduated and moved into his own apartment in the ghetto after being kicked out of the university. How he Became the Biggest Hater Alive One day, Bill was getting a slushie at Target. Then a bunch of women approached him, accusing him of "hatin" on their baby's daddy. Bill then recited this line: "Jesus, are you like those whores from the Maury show?" This enraged the women, for they were those whores from the Maury show. So they called their boyfriends over and they shot Bill in the gut. He was rushed to the hospital. They gave him surgery but it was not successful. He was legally dead for about twelve seconds. Then he sprung back to life and broke one of the surgeons' necks. So he was put in an insane asylum. There he spent two days, thinking of how to escape. Two days later he ate his way through the stone walls. He ran all the way back to his apartment. He got a gun and headed for Target. There he found the women and their boyfriends who shot him shopping with a bunch of children. He shot one of the women in the back of the head, told the others to get down. Then he preached to them about how he was "The Prophet of Haters." Then one of the children tried to run, but the Prophet of Haters shot him in one of his butt cheeks, yelling, "ASS-SHOT!" Two minutes later he killed the five women, three boyfriends, and sixteen children by snapping their necks. This earned him a spot in the Book of World Records for "the killing of the most people in about three minutes." A friend of one of the mothers was on the news and reported what happened as she was having a video call, but Haters went to her house and RAPED HER to DEATH. Do you know what drowning in semen inside you is like? How he Became a Prophet Two years later, he signed up for the role of a Prophet with the Covenant. They found his anger to be quite useful and called him the Prophet of Hate. His Works in the Covenant The Prophet of Haters was one of the most powerful Prophets in the Covenant, second only to the Prophet of Truth, and even he feared Hate's anger. The Prophet of Haters was in charge of the court system in the Covenant. Those who he found guilty would either be killed, forced to listen to a choir of Jackals sing until their minds imploded, or forced to watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup over and over again until they had visions of Cortana getting breast implants between Halo 2 and Halo 3, then dying because of an oversized boner exploding. He is famous for his capturing of Meat and Taters; two douchebags who eventually became heroes. The Prophet of Haters was deemed Criminally Insane by most Jackals because of the fact that the Prophet of Hate ate a 200 pound Brute after killing him with a Plasma Rifle (because of radiation, that is a bad idea). Involvement with the War on Humanity The Prophet of Haters was the main progressor of the war on Humans. Any paper that had the words "destroy people" on it was immediately signed and passed. He hated Humans, he hated everything. Soon, the Index was in the hands of the Prophet of Truth. So he and Mercy went along as Master Chief teleported into High Charity. The Prophet of Haters heard of an incoming ship packed with AIDS and decided to stay behind in an effort to lead a troop of Drones to disable the ship. As the Drones approached the ship, he waited in his holy chamber, looking out the window at them. Then, he found a warning on his Dragon Fruit Fuk'n'tosh Remotely Programmed Windows Vista Computer(Fuk'n'toshes suck. Problem, Fanboys?) . It was from the Prophet of Truth. It said: HOLEY $HI7! MASTER CHIEF HAS ENTERED THE PROPHET'S CHAMBERS! GET OUT OF THERE! ALSO, HORDES OF AIDS HAVE ENTERED, TIME TO LEAVE! But, the Prophet of Haters did not leave, he waited on his throne for Master Chief to arrive. After about three seconds, Master Chief came in. This was the moment that the Prophet of Haters had been waiting for his whole life: a chance to kill the Master Chief. "So John," he said, "let this be our ultimate battle." The prophet pulled out a bowl of ramen noodles and ate them in one bite. The Master Chief pulled out an Energy Sword he stole from a dying Elite and began to scan his biolevels. With amazement, he said, "his SWAG level; IT'S OVER INFINITY! (9,000) ...]] Haters pulled out a Plasma Pistol and shot his Brute guard. He took his Gravity Hammer and battled the Master Chief for about five minutes. The Prophet of Haters had studied the art of fighting his whole life, but he was still not equally matched to the Master Chief. Haters was still able to keep the fight going for five WHOLE minutes, but eventually the Master Chief got bored, and when the AIDS showed up he ditched Haters and went to find some other aliens to kill. MC swore revenge. For calling him'' his real name...........'' Haters knew what he had to do. So, he threw a grenade at them and jumped out the window. He fell over 1337 feet and landed on a Phantom. He drove it to the Ark's control room where he would meet Truth. .]] When he arrived, he found Miranda pointing a Pistol and a Shotgun at some Brutes. The Prophet of Haters gave the Prophet of Truth a Spiker and said, "SHOOT THAT WHORE!" So Truth pwned Miranda, activated the Hula Hoops, and was killed by the Arbiturd. Just as Haters was about to pwn the "Arbiturd," Gravemind came and broke it up. Eventually, Master Chief broke up the Covenant and Haters found himself unemployed. Battle with Kwarsh and Yapyap's Elite Squad One day while Haters was looking for a job, an elite squad came out of nowhere and began to attack him. Haters used his lightning reflexes to jump in the air and whip out a pair of SMGs. He began sprayin' lead at da police... Hataz don't be likin' da pilice. Then he landed and started ballin on everybody. He shoved his foot so far up their asses that he could touch their brains with his pinky toe. Then Haters attempted to escape in the SWAGcopter. As he flew away, he flipped off the Elites. Little did he know, he had taken his hands off the controls. The SWAGcopter made a nose dive and crashed into a school bus. Then some kid came up and started screaming, "BLOOD! BLOOD!" Haters walked away from the crash safely and continued searching for a job. Employment at White Castle Haters soon found himself working at White Castle until he saw a Human come in. The man asked for 50 burgers. "WHAT!?!?" He screamed "I'm not going to give you $HI7! I'm just going to $hi7 on your dead body when I'm done killing you!" With that, he tackled the man and beat him until he drowned in his own blood due to internal bleeding; and yes, he crapped on his dead body. The Prophet of Haters was sent to the insane asylum...again. He snuck out his room and went to some sexy Human girls room and fucked her while masturbating. Little did he know she was a hardcore MILF and got Haters to stick his cock (it was the biggest one eva) up her heating ass. THEN THE BLOOD KID CAME AND SAID: SEX! SEX! NOOOOOOBBBBBBLLLLLEEEEEE SSSEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXX!!!!!! He broke out by killing his room-mate Lindsay Lohan and throwing her at the wall which made a hole in the wall for Haters to climb out of. Once the Prophet of Haters was out, he shot some dickhead with his personal Plasma Pistol and stole his WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS A NOKIAMobile. Then Haters rode to a Covenant Separatist base, PWN'D everyone in it, and took the Separatist Phantom: TIDDLES. The Prophet flew off into the sky to meet the prophet Adolph Hitler. The Fate of the Prophet of Haters When Haters broke out, he stole a Phantom and cruised around the universe randomly blowing up civilizations. Haters destroyed thousands of worlds with his photon lazors of SWAG. He was an unstoppable force and everyone feared his awesome power because it is awesome. He is still at large. YAY! :) ...]] $hi7 he did! apparently they were swaggy -Haters made "death by song," in which a prisoner would listen to a quire of Jackals sing until his brain imploded. -He set the record for "most people killed in about 2 minites -Flipped America the bird on the Dr. Phil show. -Jumped up and down on Oprah's couch -Broke out of the Insane Asylum (twice). -Sexually harrassed Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton,and Michelle Obama in the same day. -Reached a temperature under absolute zip. -Had a hard-core battle with Master Chief. -Haters made "death by porn," in which a prisoner would watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup over and over again until they died or had visions of Cortana getting breast implants between Halo 2 and Halo 3. -Worked at White Castle. -Assisted in the murder of Miranda Keyes. -Atomic nuked 1337 planets. -Created 1 guy 1 cup -Killed Obama, AKA David Mason codenamed Section -Killed Menendez -only known being to tea-bag a grunt to death. -Haters also created "death by rape" in which a prisoner was forced to be raped by Rosie O'Donnell and Lil Wayne until they had a heart attack from fright or one of the two ripped off the penis (or boobs ) of the prisoner whilst in the raping process and the prisoner bleeded to death. Some REALLY gay things he did Before Haters was the ultimate hater he told a retarded marine to come with him. Haters then told the marine to shove a jar up his @$$ or get his dick shot off. The marine was retarded enough to shove a jar up his ass while Haters filmed it. Haters posted on the Internet and got many views! It was called 1 guy 1 cup and many people respond to it by saying, "WHO THE FU